11.40pm

i said goodnight,but couldn't get my eyes shut
i pretend to be alright, but i am not.
11.40pm, at the balcony,looking at the busy road at this hour,
are you alright on the other side?
Why are all the cars still busy on the road?
Where are they heading to?
Are you thinking of me on the other side?
Are you heading to the same direction as i am?
11.40pm, at the balcony,drinking wine by my own at this hour,
are you alright on the other side?
Why i don't see the moon you were talking about?
Where is the moon hiding?
Are you missing me on the other side?
Are you fooling me like i expected?
I have to build up the wall again to guard my heart,
build up the wall again to guard my heart from being intruded.

Thankful

I had joined my cellgroup for the Christmas dinner.We celebrated a few days early, a get together dinner. Before going to the dinner, my friend told me that she would like me to share a few words after dinner. WHAT?! me? I am always the one at the corner trying to be as invisible as possible, or i will use the spell like in Harry Potter, Evanesco (Vanishing Spell),vanish into a puff of smoke. I am not good in expressing myself through words through my voice. But, i did share.

There were and there are so many things to be thankful of. Every little things in life mean the most, hence i look at life differently. I thank God every morning, every meal, every safe drive home,every time i have words to write,etc. I know it is a lie if i say there is nothing in life i am worried about, or i am happy every seconds, everyday.I have moments for myself when i am upset about things.Friends who are close to me know me well.Moderately unhappy, i will snack non-stop,Seriously upset,i am mute. But, i do smile and laugh most of the time,because i believe each one of us has the ability to make a difference to everything,and being sad for every little things will definitely not make a difference in a positive way.

There is a security guard at a guard house who i have to face everyday when sending and fetching my daughter from the babysitter.It had been more than a year since i sent her there, the guard will never opened the gate for me until i wind my window down and smile to him. It was sickening when i was in the hurry and he will " Hello, how are you?" and wink at me before he willing to open the gate.I got so irritated and annoyed with the wink at first, and then i thought, why should i, its just a way of him being friendly. So, i wink back at him, and that's why i don't have to wind my window down anymore, and he is happy to open the gate for me.It really doesn't harm either one of us, and make things easier actually,just with the little effort.　

I am thankful i am able to make a difference everyday. So do you.Life is so beautiful, dwell on the beauty of life and be thankful.

Everyone is smiling despite one and half hours delayed of the dinner

 

Dinner are all set,waiting for the turkey to arrive in the rainy day

Here comes the V.I.P

 

 

About Love...

"Gris, never never write anything about love,boring...."
Here i am, couldn't resist,want to share something about love, ofcourse. Oh well, it was hard to decide on this sharing,as i failed, in term of love.

I have just finished reading this book by James Patterson and Richard DiLallo.

It was a light read, for the holiday season.It gives me some hopes though, like never renounce love,i may still have few admirers who wanna marry me when i am 54 years old, like Gaby Summerhill. 

 

I don't regret on the separation, because i know what i was going through. Marriage was indeed a very beautiful thing for the loving couples. It is uncanny the way the successful couples talk about their lives together. I like reading through books on marriage (i like reading through all the books to be honest), asking the secrets of making the marriage works, and listen to what the couples usually talk to each other.  Thanks to my current job, which allowed me to meet people who are alert and conscious , i said so because when i was in operating theatre, most people came in afraid and went out very groggy.

 

I have met a very loving couple whose the husband is wheelchair-bound, come to the clinic very often to change the suprapubic catheter.They have always whispering to each other, and smile to each other like they just fall in love.It was the way they interact caught my attentions. I asked them what are the secrets of successful marriage, like them...the wife was so shy and just smile and get the husband to answer..The husband said " we always share one spoon, share a drink,and so we share the saliva" What an answer, but i was getting goosebumps. They are still so in love,both in their sixties.They have found the ways to keep the passion and romance alive.

 

I saw cows in my hometown, and it reminded me a phrase from Much Ado Abot Nothing by William Shakespeare, " i had rather hear my dog bark at a cow, than a man swear he loves me"  i wouldn't be less agreed with that.  Until recently, i have responded rather rudely to a man who confessed his feeling towards me, i just went " Huh". And, in my mind i had started drafting out the pros and cons. That frightened me, my own actions frightened me. Am i going to be that rational and timid to fall in love again? I wanna love like i never been hurt before, wanna love like i never fall in love before..well,it just takes greater concentration and harder work to build a love that lasts.

 

 

Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused. - Paulo Coelho

Rainbow

For the first time i am posting what i wore, colourful shirt to work.

This was the best shot in the morning.Photographer: sleepy 5 years old Merredie

The shirt has been taking up the space in the closet for almost 3years,i bought it because i loved the colours and i didn't wear it with the same reason.Second day back to work after my break, i decided to wear something other than black and dark blue, something reminds me of rainbow, something colourful, something which can brighten my day...and surprisingly it still fit .

I don't remember when was the last time i seen the rainbow, back in primary school perhaps. And i almost forgotten the excitement when i saw the rainbow, my thought at that moment was i am going to see that everyday, what is there to be excited about. And then years after years, i haven't seen one, or i haven't really look up and search for the rainbow once brought curiosity and the little happiness. Life too busy passing by, when there was time to slow down, i would rather curl up in my bed or the sofa, not wanting to go out and see the nature that God created. I remember those days when i first started my career in the operating theatre, i had nightmares most of the nights, it was so depressing as went to work in the early morning when the sky was  still dark, and it was still dark when stepping out from work, where comes the rainbow? 

We have to put up with the rain before the rainbow, aren't we?  Life has been generous to me, eventhough those days were like rainy days,everyday. I stumbled, i fell and i learned to pick myself up, and the wound healed pretty fast.  And now, i remind myself each day not to lose sight of the reason in the journey of life, and never missed a chance to see the rainbow on the way.

"Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow."  - Douglas Pagels    



Christmas

"And when we give each other Christmas gifts in His name, let us remember that He has given us the sun and the moon and the stars, and the earth with its forests and mountains and oceans--and all that lives and move upon them. He has given us all green things and everything that blossoms and bears fruit and all that we quarrel about and all that we have misused--and to save us from our foolishness, from all our sins, He came down to earth and gave us Himself."
—Sigrid Undset

God sent His Son, Jesus, into the world to be born. His birth brought great joy to the world

 

We are His children no matter what may be happening, and the joy and peace will with us as we invite Jesus into your heart. We can truly be happy during Christmas, knowing we are all His sons and daughters.

I came across people asking me how i overcome all the dramas that were happening on me. I been down, honestly, extremely down, depression. I wanted to give up living at a certain point of life.Tears are the best words my heart can speak then.But, God is awesome, He came to me in weakness and in fear and in much trembling. God always has His plan for His children,He speaks through bible, through the angels he sent ( friends, family,etc)..I gone through hardship through prayer, i believe in prayer. I woke up everyday and thank God that i could still see the sun rises, and a healthy girl woke up by my side. I thank God that no matter how many times i strayed in the wrong path and hopelessly lost, He has not given up on me, and accepts me for who i am.

May the glory of Christ's birth live in your heart all year. Merry Christmas!

 We have put up Christmas tree in the house, the green symbolizes eternal life.

And,we have deer in the house!



Family Bonding Time

We had visited three beaches back in Kelantan,The Arabic honorific of the state is Darul Naim, ("The Blissful Abode"),which is my hometown. It was fun even though we did not spend much time in each beach, but we have spent time together.

This is a lake that nearby the beach we went. Pantai Sri Tujuh.

Merredie was the happiest one, always. Remember the stick she holding,she had the same one to write on the sand the next day. :)

 

These were what we had after visiting the beach. The best chicken wings i ever had!!

I had four of them, yummy!

 

I love this photo very much. My parents and my daughter at the beach,writting on the sand.

 

She kept the stick we picked up the previous day. Brought it to the beach and started to draw on the sand. She drew eleven faces that day :)

 





 



"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."

—Maya Angelou

 

I have not been a good daughter to my parents, left them both 11years ago and visited them once or twice a year since then. There were always excuses for not able to make more trips back. I miss them dearly everyday no matter how many arguments we had before this, it was mostly my mistakes for not able to hold back my tongue. I love spending time together, at home, outing or just being together and do nothing at all. I missed the time when all of us sleeping in the same house, the togetherness brings the happiness. I know i will miss them oneday when they are gone from my life. All i need to learn is to have patience, and remind myself that how much patience they have put in when raising me up...

 

 

Neither an artist nor a writer

I am not born an artist nor a writer, and i was not trained later on to be an artist nor a writer.
Started to get interested in writting when i was about 11years old, when i scored the highest mark in essay writting back in primary school. I started writting in chinese since then, and stopped at age of 17years old as i was leaving to the city to persue my studies.  It was indeed a huge change for me because people communicate in English in college. I was all the while mandarin speaking, it took me a real long hard time to learn,by myself.

Read a quote from Stephen King- "If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that."      Yes, i do totally agreed with that. I should read as hard as i write. The first English book that i read was James Patterson's Cat and Mouse. It was a good read and i still fall for his stories till now.

    
http://thefoundingfields.com/2011/08/cat-and-mouse-by-james-patterson-review-bane-of-kings/


“One day, I shall explode like an artillery shell and all my bits will be found on the writing table.”
― Gustave Flaubert

Captured the nature

“There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
  There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
  There is society, where none intrudes,
  By the deep sea, and music in its roars:
  I love not man the less, but Nature more...”
  ― George Gordon Byron

“We kill all the caterpillars, then complain there are no butterflies.”
― John Marsden, The Dead of Night

   They are everywhere, and always remind me of the Trifolium

                                  even though they are not four-leaf. It makes me feel lucky,

                                  because they are still there..

With my bad memory, i can actually remember it was maybe a year ago or so when i really sat down,looked at the photographs i took and appreciated them. I love taking photographs,they captured the moments which gone forever, but...always the but...its like every minutes passing so fast, running and catching it is so exhausting, and that was the reason why i didn't have a good look at present and let them fly by. My mother is holding her camera anytime,anywhere she goes, i got irritated when she wanted to capture every little things but i think every snapshots keep the memory from running away.

P/s: Enjoy the moment is utmost important, and we captured to keep the moments we enjoyed,not to capture but forgotten why we were there.

A reading holiday

It had been a long tough year, been working whole year through and at last, the long break is here( not really long, actually),but sufficient to recharge to move forward.
I have chose to spend my holiday in hometown , and i have told myself to read as much as i can this holiday. I brought back 2 books and thought it will last me till the 18th, but i done them in 4 days.

                                    I have done  the first two,which i enjoyed very much.
                                               And, bought the rest here in hometown.

I have set a target for myself since early of this year to read atleast 2 books a week, an English book and a chinese book. Well, i did not really achieve it every week, due to tiredness and undeniable, laziness... It had been a tough year, i said. Shifted to a new place, started a new job, daughter started her kindie life, etc..But i am so blessed to have survived that all.

“I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.”
―   Mother Teresa

                                       A chinese book that i got,about the courage of love.

                                                                  (痛过，才叫爱）

Honestly, not hoping to find love, but atleast i must still believe in love and have faith in it. And so, that was the reason i got this book for myself ( another reason is this book is on sale )

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 
- 1Corinthians 13:13