Vision

Somewhere in March last year, for the first time i experienced blurring of vision when i was driving home at night, with my glasses on. I drove home in a cold sweat. Went straight to ophthalmologist the next day, done Optical Coherence Tomography Scan and tested my eyes power, doctor said I needed to change my glasses, and avoid wearing contact lenses because I have dry eyes. He also said that I have light glaucoma. I went on with blurred vision for like 3 to 4 days and it got better gradually. I took it for granted, a week later after the incident, I put on my contact lenses again, which I got it very cheap online, unknown brand. 

This year the same thing happened again in June, and getting more often, like every week or every time I go to bright places.It is hard to explain how i felt and what i was experiencing,i have taken the photo below to show how the images are when my vision goes blurred.

Clear vision

Blur vision

I am going to have a long drive back to Kelantan and then to Kuantan on the same day, so i decided to seek for second opinion on my eyes condition (for the safety of my daughter and myself). What the ophthalmologist told me left me totally flabbergasted. He told me that i have a condition called keratoconus (Keratoconus is an eye disease that affects the structure of the cornea). On the same day, i consulted another ophthalmologist who specialised in cornea. I will never forget how he shook his head knowing I have been using contact lenses more than 8 hours a day,7 days a week for the past 10 years.  He needed me to stop using contact lenses for a while before he can confirm on the diagnosis as I have been wearing contact lenses" too aggressively" , that was what he said. He asked me how long i can go without contact lenses, in my heart i whispered " till the day i die" , but i told him " as long as you want me to" . Even though i was trained in assisting eyes surgeries , knowing there are treatments for keratoconus, but the fear of getting blind never leave my mind. I hope it is just the contact lenses that causing the rough surface on my cornea, not any other serious problem.

Friends advised me not to sacrifice my eyes because of beauty. It was not totally about beauty, big part of it is because contact lenses are so convenient, especially during work. I started using it "aggressively" during my nursing days, can you imagine that your glasses start sliding down when you doing CPR? or when you are assisting in a surgery, all scrub up....

Undeniably, i am using the black colored lenses to make my eyes look bigger, brighter...and prettier ( that's how i feel). Like the traditional proverb says " The eyes are the window of the soul", eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the hearts.So, i want it too look "delightful" always. But now that my vision is blurred the matter becomes clearer in my mind that " beauty

is how you feel inside,and  it reflects in your eyes, it is not something physical." quoted from 

Sophia Loren.

I wrote something about death in my previous post titled " The Bucket List". For now, i am sure

that death is not as scary as going blind. Gone through a few surgeries myself, none so

 frightening than not able to see what is in front of you. 

"The eyes like sentinel occupy the higest place in the body"

- Marcus Tullius Cicero

The Bucket List

Due to my profession, I am meeting many individuals who battling with cancer each da. Even though I have been in this line for years, but it still hurts me when I see them deteriorate rapidly, what more to say about their closed ones.

Colleagues and I were chatting over lunch about cancer and death. I went to search on http://www.worldometers.info/cancer/ on 12^th Oct 2013, at 11.55am. 6,400,776 deaths caused by cancer worldwide, and the number keeps increasing. The data on cancer mortality displayed on Worldometers is based on the latest statistics published by the World Health Organization (WHO).

I am sure these days, we know someone around us who died of cancer. According to World Health Organization (WHO), Cancer is a leading cause of death worldwide. Lung, stomach, liver, colon and breast cancer cause the most cancer deaths each year.

There was this thought across my mind when I was driving the other day, what if I am diagnosed with cancer? How will I react to that, and what will be my plan next (if I still have time to plan). The first person I thought of was my daughter. Who is going to take care of her, and how is she going to cope growing up without me? One thing for sure is that, I will thank God for giving my life and continue praying for He knows what is attacking my body and only He can banish the sickness from my body.

While all these thoughts going on in my mind, they reminded me of the movie, The Bucket List. The movie is a 2007 American comedy-drama film which directed by Rob Reiner, and starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.  And so, I went home and watched it the third time. In the movie, mechanic Carter Chambers (Freeman) and billionaire hospital magnate Edward Cole (Nicholson) meet for the first time in the hospital after both have been diagnosed with cancer and undergo their respective treatment. They were sharing a hospital room together.

Carter Chambers was writing "the bucket list" for himself when the doctor announced that Edward will have 6 months to live, 1 year if lucky. They decide to do all the things they have ever wanted to do before they die according to their bucket list. 

Do I want to know how much time I have to work with if I am diagnosed with cancer? I can’t tell until I have been told. But, I know no matter how much time I have, the first on the list will be “ No more procrastination and pray relentlessly." 

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone” 
― Pablo Picasso

Kindle Paper White

Yay! At last I've owned my first E-reader ( wink~wink~)
I have been using my tablet to read , and it hurts my eyes after 5-10 minutes because of the glare. Backlit LCD screens are generally difficult to read outdoors and tend to cause eyestrain if read at night.

I have wanted to get the Kindle for ages after a customer showed me his Kindle. I was amazed by the  glare-free display, just like the printed page. Sadly, there are no store around selling this, where i can personally visit and look at it before i purchased.  And so, i took the risk to get it online after reading all the reviews, and comparing the different version of Kindle, and also Kindle with other e-readers.

I have not previously owned any Kindle, and so i am not able to compare the differences. But so far, I am absolutely satisfied with this product. There are few reasons i am loving it, the non-reflective surface makes it easy to read, even in bright sunlight,able to read for hours without eyestrain. Besides, Kindle Paperwhite has built in light illuminates the screen, so i do not have to brighten up the entire room or put on a clip-on light. 

For people with a lot of gadgets ( i mean me),Kindle is light and slim to carry around. I do not have to worry about changing to bigger bag just to fit in my book. Thumbs up!!

Make Things easier and " lighter" 

Dictionary is a necessity for me.Used to carry a Oxford Learner's Pocket Dictionary around,until i got an Iphone,downloaded the dictionary app.But, look ! Kindle Paperwhite has the built-in dictionary, extremely useful feature.So easy to access,painless to find the definition needing no WiFi.

You can also highlight the word/ sentence and save it in your Notes & Marks file.

Just sharing some of the features which i found them very useful for me. Cheers!!

Coffee with quotes

Inspirational quotes always been my favourite to read (short and inspiring) .  I have them visible in places i am able to see them during my daily activities. And, i have started to notice those quotes/phrases on coffee stirrer's paper wrap, straw's paper wrap and also on the take-away cake's boxes. Have you noticed them?

It does give me a little thinker when i am sipping my coffee ( i am addicted to coffees) .

" ATTITUDE IS A LITTLE THING THAT MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE"

- from Dr.Cafe Coffee 

Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed.

Dessert makes it worthwhile. 

- from Starbucks

Will share more quotes i come across in future. It was until recently that i decided to take photo on that.  

For now, i will share some quotes on magnet and some verses from bible i have that i will read ,hmm... probably everyday...

"WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH A POSITIVE MINDSET AND JOYFUL HEART.

 BE DETERMINED THAT IT WILL BE A GLORIOUS DAY."

- I have this on the mirror in my bathroom. Read it when washing up in the morning (definitely not on the days when i woke up late, not really a glorious day) 

"Drinking Coffee and Slacking Off are all part of what i do"

- I pretty much loved to have this in my office,but you know why i shouldn't (grin).So, this is on the wall near my desk where i read and write.

" You will be safe if you always do right, but you will get caught if you are dishonest."

-Proverbs 10:9

"For man looks at the outward appearance,but the Lord looks at the heart."

- 1Samuel 16:7

-Those are verses in the bible that i pinned them on the board in my room. 

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

How blessed and fortunate i am to have real friends.
There were so much in my mind to write about friends, but as i went through my photos, i realised i will not be able to cover all. So many stories to tell, and so much fun to share. I am brimming over with happiness at this moment.

I been away from my family since i was 17 years old.Friends were often the one who always there to help me to search the important things when i lost them, smile,hope and courage. I came across a statement says friends are like boobs, some are big,some are small, some are real and some are fake.(I am laughing) So true isn't ? We always come across people in our life who always say the right words at all the right times,but it is always their actions reveal the sincerity in the friendship

Friends may leave along the journey in life, temporarily or permanently.And, i am actually so blessed to have friends who care without hesitation, remember without limitation, and love me even without communication.There are friends who never get tired of listening to my pointless dramas over and over again, and still there to support me. I have done tons of stupid stuff and not so lovable stuff, but good friends love me still. I am so thankful to have good friends who accept my past, support my present,and encourage my future. I know they are my true friends when they stab me in the front . :) 

Just want to share a few photos of my good friends who have never abundant me in good and bad times,who are not embarrassed to cry with me when i am hurt or laugh with me.

 

 These girls completely turn my world around.They make me realized it is less important to have more friends but to have real ones.They listen to my adventures but make it with me, were there for me no matter what ,NO MATTER WHAT! my blessings, my angels, my supporters. We stay together, but never tired of talking to each other, we text each other even when we are at work. 

Love you girls wholeheartedly.Thanks for loving my daughter like your own.

 This man, hmm...known for years and never failed to put a smile on me when i was whining about life.Always so kind with kind words, and encouragements!  A man who makes me love myself more. 10years, not too long and not too short, but they were wonderful years knowing he will always there to listen and advise, and share. 

Thanks for listening to my non-sense,and respected my non-sense.

Last but no least, these two are wonderful people in my life. Azlina, a friend who flew from work to rescue me,cry with me, and laugh with me. A friend who is happier than me when things get better for me.Merredie, what more can i say about her.My daughter, who wiped my tears of sorrow and who asked me to laugh just enough and not too much. I want not only be her mother, but a friend who she can talks to always,about everything.

Thanks for helping me when i was wounded.I know whenever i look beside,you will be there. And, Merredie, thanks for coming into my life.You are the reason i am moving forward.

There are actually so many friends who have been there for me who i may not mentioned above.But, it doesn't mean they are less important, they are equally important for me to grow. I am just an ordinary person,who is not perfect.No one is.And, i always remind myself to focus on being the right person who knows how to care,understand and love. 

 “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” 

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
 



Tears

I am all wrung out from crying i guess. I haven't been crying for a while, even in the situations where i thought i would cry like a baby,but i did not. I have to be honest to my friends today. " Heya, i always say i drank a lot of water before sleeping, and that was the reason i looked puffy...hmm.. i was trying to cover up myself. You know why now. "

I rarely shared when there were things bothering me. I found crying was a great relief for me.I cried myself to sleep almost everynights for a year or two. Well, i laugh at myself now. At some point, i had to start laughing. Why would i tortured myself that way. What is the big deal being a single mother, i sailed through it , didn't i, and i am sailing pretty well still.

Talked to a good friend of mine yesterday about tears and laughters, i ended year 2012 with laughters, a lot a lot of it. And, i have stopped crying for every little things. The friend of mine told me it may be because i am more emotionally grounded rather than being harder and less open to emotion,after what i have been through. I smiled and told him what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

“Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.” - C.S.Lewis

This was a photo of me taken by someone in secret during Christmas.

 I didn't like it initially because my wrinkles are so obvious. After laughing at it and

 i starting to like it, i was happy, really happy. It didn't show any signs of sadness,

 my eyes, my nose and my teeth, my every muscles were laughing :)

God shows undeserved kindness to everyone...You will suffer for a while, but God will make you complete,steady, strong ,and firm. 1Peter 5:10

I don't like suffering, nobody does. I don't like problems, troubles, nobody likes. But I believe God will open our eyes to see things crystal clear after we experience it, just like He does.



11.40pm

i said goodnight,but couldn't get my eyes shut
i pretend to be alright, but i am not.
11.40pm, at the balcony,looking at the busy road at this hour,
are you alright on the other side?
Why are all the cars still busy on the road?
Where are they heading to?
Are you thinking of me on the other side?
Are you heading to the same direction as i am?
11.40pm, at the balcony,drinking wine by my own at this hour,
are you alright on the other side?
Why i don't see the moon you were talking about?
Where is the moon hiding?
Are you missing me on the other side?
Are you fooling me like i expected?
I have to build up the wall again to guard my heart,
build up the wall again to guard my heart from being intruded.

Thankful

I had joined my cellgroup for the Christmas dinner.We celebrated a few days early, a get together dinner. Before going to the dinner, my friend told me that she would like me to share a few words after dinner. WHAT?! me? I am always the one at the corner trying to be as invisible as possible, or i will use the spell like in Harry Potter, Evanesco (Vanishing Spell),vanish into a puff of smoke. I am not good in expressing myself through words through my voice. But, i did share.

There were and there are so many things to be thankful of. Every little things in life mean the most, hence i look at life differently. I thank God every morning, every meal, every safe drive home,every time i have words to write,etc. I know it is a lie if i say there is nothing in life i am worried about, or i am happy every seconds, everyday.I have moments for myself when i am upset about things.Friends who are close to me know me well.Moderately unhappy, i will snack non-stop,Seriously upset,i am mute. But, i do smile and laugh most of the time,because i believe each one of us has the ability to make a difference to everything,and being sad for every little things will definitely not make a difference in a positive way.

There is a security guard at a guard house who i have to face everyday when sending and fetching my daughter from the babysitter.It had been more than a year since i sent her there, the guard will never opened the gate for me until i wind my window down and smile to him. It was sickening when i was in the hurry and he will " Hello, how are you?" and wink at me before he willing to open the gate.I got so irritated and annoyed with the wink at first, and then i thought, why should i, its just a way of him being friendly. So, i wink back at him, and that's why i don't have to wind my window down anymore, and he is happy to open the gate for me.It really doesn't harm either one of us, and make things easier actually,just with the little effort.　

I am thankful i am able to make a difference everyday. So do you.Life is so beautiful, dwell on the beauty of life and be thankful.

Everyone is smiling despite one and half hours delayed of the dinner

 

Dinner are all set,waiting for the turkey to arrive in the rainy day

Here comes the V.I.P

 

 

About Love...

"Gris, never never write anything about love,boring...."
Here i am, couldn't resist,want to share something about love, ofcourse. Oh well, it was hard to decide on this sharing,as i failed, in term of love.

I have just finished reading this book by James Patterson and Richard DiLallo.

It was a light read, for the holiday season.It gives me some hopes though, like never renounce love,i may still have few admirers who wanna marry me when i am 54 years old, like Gaby Summerhill. 

 

I don't regret on the separation, because i know what i was going through. Marriage was indeed a very beautiful thing for the loving couples. It is uncanny the way the successful couples talk about their lives together. I like reading through books on marriage (i like reading through all the books to be honest), asking the secrets of making the marriage works, and listen to what the couples usually talk to each other.  Thanks to my current job, which allowed me to meet people who are alert and conscious , i said so because when i was in operating theatre, most people came in afraid and went out very groggy.

 

I have met a very loving couple whose the husband is wheelchair-bound, come to the clinic very often to change the suprapubic catheter.They have always whispering to each other, and smile to each other like they just fall in love.It was the way they interact caught my attentions. I asked them what are the secrets of successful marriage, like them...the wife was so shy and just smile and get the husband to answer..The husband said " we always share one spoon, share a drink,and so we share the saliva" What an answer, but i was getting goosebumps. They are still so in love,both in their sixties.They have found the ways to keep the passion and romance alive.

 

I saw cows in my hometown, and it reminded me a phrase from Much Ado Abot Nothing by William Shakespeare, " i had rather hear my dog bark at a cow, than a man swear he loves me"  i wouldn't be less agreed with that.  Until recently, i have responded rather rudely to a man who confessed his feeling towards me, i just went " Huh". And, in my mind i had started drafting out the pros and cons. That frightened me, my own actions frightened me. Am i going to be that rational and timid to fall in love again? I wanna love like i never been hurt before, wanna love like i never fall in love before..well,it just takes greater concentration and harder work to build a love that lasts.

 

 

Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused. - Paulo Coelho

Rainbow

For the first time i am posting what i wore, colourful shirt to work.

This was the best shot in the morning.Photographer: sleepy 5 years old Merredie

The shirt has been taking up the space in the closet for almost 3years,i bought it because i loved the colours and i didn't wear it with the same reason.Second day back to work after my break, i decided to wear something other than black and dark blue, something reminds me of rainbow, something colourful, something which can brighten my day...and surprisingly it still fit .

I don't remember when was the last time i seen the rainbow, back in primary school perhaps. And i almost forgotten the excitement when i saw the rainbow, my thought at that moment was i am going to see that everyday, what is there to be excited about. And then years after years, i haven't seen one, or i haven't really look up and search for the rainbow once brought curiosity and the little happiness. Life too busy passing by, when there was time to slow down, i would rather curl up in my bed or the sofa, not wanting to go out and see the nature that God created. I remember those days when i first started my career in the operating theatre, i had nightmares most of the nights, it was so depressing as went to work in the early morning when the sky was  still dark, and it was still dark when stepping out from work, where comes the rainbow? 

We have to put up with the rain before the rainbow, aren't we?  Life has been generous to me, eventhough those days were like rainy days,everyday. I stumbled, i fell and i learned to pick myself up, and the wound healed pretty fast.  And now, i remind myself each day not to lose sight of the reason in the journey of life, and never missed a chance to see the rainbow on the way.

"Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow."  - Douglas Pagels    



Christmas

"And when we give each other Christmas gifts in His name, let us remember that He has given us the sun and the moon and the stars, and the earth with its forests and mountains and oceans--and all that lives and move upon them. He has given us all green things and everything that blossoms and bears fruit and all that we quarrel about and all that we have misused--and to save us from our foolishness, from all our sins, He came down to earth and gave us Himself."
—Sigrid Undset

God sent His Son, Jesus, into the world to be born. His birth brought great joy to the world

 

We are His children no matter what may be happening, and the joy and peace will with us as we invite Jesus into your heart. We can truly be happy during Christmas, knowing we are all His sons and daughters.

I came across people asking me how i overcome all the dramas that were happening on me. I been down, honestly, extremely down, depression. I wanted to give up living at a certain point of life.Tears are the best words my heart can speak then.But, God is awesome, He came to me in weakness and in fear and in much trembling. God always has His plan for His children,He speaks through bible, through the angels he sent ( friends, family,etc)..I gone through hardship through prayer, i believe in prayer. I woke up everyday and thank God that i could still see the sun rises, and a healthy girl woke up by my side. I thank God that no matter how many times i strayed in the wrong path and hopelessly lost, He has not given up on me, and accepts me for who i am.

May the glory of Christ's birth live in your heart all year. Merry Christmas!

 We have put up Christmas tree in the house, the green symbolizes eternal life.

And,we have deer in the house!



Family Bonding Time

We had visited three beaches back in Kelantan,The Arabic honorific of the state is Darul Naim, ("The Blissful Abode"),which is my hometown. It was fun even though we did not spend much time in each beach, but we have spent time together.

This is a lake that nearby the beach we went. Pantai Sri Tujuh.

Merredie was the happiest one, always. Remember the stick she holding,she had the same one to write on the sand the next day. :)

 

These were what we had after visiting the beach. The best chicken wings i ever had!!

I had four of them, yummy!

 

I love this photo very much. My parents and my daughter at the beach,writting on the sand.

 

She kept the stick we picked up the previous day. Brought it to the beach and started to draw on the sand. She drew eleven faces that day :)

 





 



"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."

—Maya Angelou

 

I have not been a good daughter to my parents, left them both 11years ago and visited them once or twice a year since then. There were always excuses for not able to make more trips back. I miss them dearly everyday no matter how many arguments we had before this, it was mostly my mistakes for not able to hold back my tongue. I love spending time together, at home, outing or just being together and do nothing at all. I missed the time when all of us sleeping in the same house, the togetherness brings the happiness. I know i will miss them oneday when they are gone from my life. All i need to learn is to have patience, and remind myself that how much patience they have put in when raising me up...

 

 

Neither an artist nor a writer

I am not born an artist nor a writer, and i was not trained later on to be an artist nor a writer.
Started to get interested in writting when i was about 11years old, when i scored the highest mark in essay writting back in primary school. I started writting in chinese since then, and stopped at age of 17years old as i was leaving to the city to persue my studies.  It was indeed a huge change for me because people communicate in English in college. I was all the while mandarin speaking, it took me a real long hard time to learn,by myself.

Read a quote from Stephen King- "If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that."      Yes, i do totally agreed with that. I should read as hard as i write. The first English book that i read was James Patterson's Cat and Mouse. It was a good read and i still fall for his stories till now.

    
http://thefoundingfields.com/2011/08/cat-and-mouse-by-james-patterson-review-bane-of-kings/


“One day, I shall explode like an artillery shell and all my bits will be found on the writing table.”
― Gustave Flaubert

Captured the nature

“There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
  There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
  There is society, where none intrudes,
  By the deep sea, and music in its roars:
  I love not man the less, but Nature more...”
  ― George Gordon Byron

“We kill all the caterpillars, then complain there are no butterflies.”
― John Marsden, The Dead of Night

   They are everywhere, and always remind me of the Trifolium

                                  even though they are not four-leaf. It makes me feel lucky,

                                  because they are still there..

With my bad memory, i can actually remember it was maybe a year ago or so when i really sat down,looked at the photographs i took and appreciated them. I love taking photographs,they captured the moments which gone forever, but...always the but...its like every minutes passing so fast, running and catching it is so exhausting, and that was the reason why i didn't have a good look at present and let them fly by. My mother is holding her camera anytime,anywhere she goes, i got irritated when she wanted to capture every little things but i think every snapshots keep the memory from running away.

P/s: Enjoy the moment is utmost important, and we captured to keep the moments we enjoyed,not to capture but forgotten why we were there.

A reading holiday

It had been a long tough year, been working whole year through and at last, the long break is here( not really long, actually),but sufficient to recharge to move forward.
I have chose to spend my holiday in hometown , and i have told myself to read as much as i can this holiday. I brought back 2 books and thought it will last me till the 18th, but i done them in 4 days.

                                    I have done  the first two,which i enjoyed very much.
                                               And, bought the rest here in hometown.

I have set a target for myself since early of this year to read atleast 2 books a week, an English book and a chinese book. Well, i did not really achieve it every week, due to tiredness and undeniable, laziness... It had been a tough year, i said. Shifted to a new place, started a new job, daughter started her kindie life, etc..But i am so blessed to have survived that all.

“I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.”
―   Mother Teresa

                                       A chinese book that i got,about the courage of love.

                                                                  (痛过，才叫爱）

Honestly, not hoping to find love, but atleast i must still believe in love and have faith in it. And so, that was the reason i got this book for myself ( another reason is this book is on sale )

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 
- 1Corinthians 13:13

Reorganizing life

When things get rough, i know i have to just look up to the heavenly Father, He is always the one who loves me for who i am.

I am back !

Its  been a while since i make some new stuff. And, here they are, my latest favourite- bookmarks :)

Follow the trends

It had been extremely stressful for the last 2 months, and always find myself still awake at 4am in the morning.The best way to calm myself is reading the Bible and crafting. These are my latest needle felting creations :)

Sea Urchin bobby pin

Starfish collections