Vision

Somewhere in March last year, for the first time i experienced blurring of vision when i was driving home at night, with my glasses on. I drove home in a cold sweat. Went straight to ophthalmologist the next day, done Optical Coherence Tomography Scan and tested my eyes power, doctor said I needed to change my glasses, and avoid wearing contact lenses because I have dry eyes. He also said that I have light glaucoma. I went on with blurred vision for like 3 to 4 days and it got better gradually. I took it for granted, a week later after the incident, I put on my contact lenses again, which I got it very cheap online, unknown brand. 

This year the same thing happened again in June, and getting more often, like every week or every time I go to bright places.It is hard to explain how i felt and what i was experiencing,i have taken the photo below to show how the images are when my vision goes blurred.

Clear vision

Blur vision

I am going to have a long drive back to Kelantan and then to Kuantan on the same day, so i decided to seek for second opinion on my eyes condition (for the safety of my daughter and myself). What the ophthalmologist told me left me totally flabbergasted. He told me that i have a condition called keratoconus (Keratoconus is an eye disease that affects the structure of the cornea). On the same day, i consulted another ophthalmologist who specialised in cornea. I will never forget how he shook his head knowing I have been using contact lenses more than 8 hours a day,7 days a week for the past 10 years.  He needed me to stop using contact lenses for a while before he can confirm on the diagnosis as I have been wearing contact lenses" too aggressively" , that was what he said. He asked me how long i can go without contact lenses, in my heart i whispered " till the day i die" , but i told him " as long as you want me to" . Even though i was trained in assisting eyes surgeries , knowing there are treatments for keratoconus, but the fear of getting blind never leave my mind. I hope it is just the contact lenses that causing the rough surface on my cornea, not any other serious problem.

Friends advised me not to sacrifice my eyes because of beauty. It was not totally about beauty, big part of it is because contact lenses are so convenient, especially during work. I started using it "aggressively" during my nursing days, can you imagine that your glasses start sliding down when you doing CPR? or when you are assisting in a surgery, all scrub up....

Undeniably, i am using the black colored lenses to make my eyes look bigger, brighter...and prettier ( that's how i feel). Like the traditional proverb says " The eyes are the window of the soul", eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the hearts.So, i want it too look "delightful" always. But now that my vision is blurred the matter becomes clearer in my mind that " beauty

is how you feel inside,and  it reflects in your eyes, it is not something physical." quoted from 

Sophia Loren.

I wrote something about death in my previous post titled " The Bucket List". For now, i am sure

that death is not as scary as going blind. Gone through a few surgeries myself, none so

 frightening than not able to see what is in front of you. 

"The eyes like sentinel occupy the higest place in the body"

- Marcus Tullius Cicero

The Bucket List

Due to my profession, I am meeting many individuals who battling with cancer each da. Even though I have been in this line for years, but it still hurts me when I see them deteriorate rapidly, what more to say about their closed ones.

Colleagues and I were chatting over lunch about cancer and death. I went to search on http://www.worldometers.info/cancer/ on 12^th Oct 2013, at 11.55am. 6,400,776 deaths caused by cancer worldwide, and the number keeps increasing. The data on cancer mortality displayed on Worldometers is based on the latest statistics published by the World Health Organization (WHO).

I am sure these days, we know someone around us who died of cancer. According to World Health Organization (WHO), Cancer is a leading cause of death worldwide. Lung, stomach, liver, colon and breast cancer cause the most cancer deaths each year.

There was this thought across my mind when I was driving the other day, what if I am diagnosed with cancer? How will I react to that, and what will be my plan next (if I still have time to plan). The first person I thought of was my daughter. Who is going to take care of her, and how is she going to cope growing up without me? One thing for sure is that, I will thank God for giving my life and continue praying for He knows what is attacking my body and only He can banish the sickness from my body.

While all these thoughts going on in my mind, they reminded me of the movie, The Bucket List. The movie is a 2007 American comedy-drama film which directed by Rob Reiner, and starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.  And so, I went home and watched it the third time. In the movie, mechanic Carter Chambers (Freeman) and billionaire hospital magnate Edward Cole (Nicholson) meet for the first time in the hospital after both have been diagnosed with cancer and undergo their respective treatment. They were sharing a hospital room together.

Carter Chambers was writing "the bucket list" for himself when the doctor announced that Edward will have 6 months to live, 1 year if lucky. They decide to do all the things they have ever wanted to do before they die according to their bucket list. 

Do I want to know how much time I have to work with if I am diagnosed with cancer? I can’t tell until I have been told. But, I know no matter how much time I have, the first on the list will be “ No more procrastination and pray relentlessly." 

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone” 
― Pablo Picasso

Kindle Paper White

Yay! At last I've owned my first E-reader ( wink~wink~)
I have been using my tablet to read , and it hurts my eyes after 5-10 minutes because of the glare. Backlit LCD screens are generally difficult to read outdoors and tend to cause eyestrain if read at night.

I have wanted to get the Kindle for ages after a customer showed me his Kindle. I was amazed by the  glare-free display, just like the printed page. Sadly, there are no store around selling this, where i can personally visit and look at it before i purchased.  And so, i took the risk to get it online after reading all the reviews, and comparing the different version of Kindle, and also Kindle with other e-readers.

I have not previously owned any Kindle, and so i am not able to compare the differences. But so far, I am absolutely satisfied with this product. There are few reasons i am loving it, the non-reflective surface makes it easy to read, even in bright sunlight,able to read for hours without eyestrain. Besides, Kindle Paperwhite has built in light illuminates the screen, so i do not have to brighten up the entire room or put on a clip-on light. 

For people with a lot of gadgets ( i mean me),Kindle is light and slim to carry around. I do not have to worry about changing to bigger bag just to fit in my book. Thumbs up!!

Make Things easier and " lighter" 

Dictionary is a necessity for me.Used to carry a Oxford Learner's Pocket Dictionary around,until i got an Iphone,downloaded the dictionary app.But, look ! Kindle Paperwhite has the built-in dictionary, extremely useful feature.So easy to access,painless to find the definition needing no WiFi.

You can also highlight the word/ sentence and save it in your Notes & Marks file.

Just sharing some of the features which i found them very useful for me. Cheers!!

Coffee with quotes

Inspirational quotes always been my favourite to read (short and inspiring) .  I have them visible in places i am able to see them during my daily activities. And, i have started to notice those quotes/phrases on coffee stirrer's paper wrap, straw's paper wrap and also on the take-away cake's boxes. Have you noticed them?

It does give me a little thinker when i am sipping my coffee ( i am addicted to coffees) .

" ATTITUDE IS A LITTLE THING THAT MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE"

- from Dr.Cafe Coffee 

Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed.

Dessert makes it worthwhile. 

- from Starbucks

Will share more quotes i come across in future. It was until recently that i decided to take photo on that.  

For now, i will share some quotes on magnet and some verses from bible i have that i will read ,hmm... probably everyday...

"WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH A POSITIVE MINDSET AND JOYFUL HEART.

 BE DETERMINED THAT IT WILL BE A GLORIOUS DAY."

- I have this on the mirror in my bathroom. Read it when washing up in the morning (definitely not on the days when i woke up late, not really a glorious day) 

"Drinking Coffee and Slacking Off are all part of what i do"

- I pretty much loved to have this in my office,but you know why i shouldn't (grin).So, this is on the wall near my desk where i read and write.

" You will be safe if you always do right, but you will get caught if you are dishonest."

-Proverbs 10:9

"For man looks at the outward appearance,but the Lord looks at the heart."

- 1Samuel 16:7

-Those are verses in the bible that i pinned them on the board in my room. 

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

How blessed and fortunate i am to have real friends.
There were so much in my mind to write about friends, but as i went through my photos, i realised i will not be able to cover all. So many stories to tell, and so much fun to share. I am brimming over with happiness at this moment.

I been away from my family since i was 17 years old.Friends were often the one who always there to help me to search the important things when i lost them, smile,hope and courage. I came across a statement says friends are like boobs, some are big,some are small, some are real and some are fake.(I am laughing) So true isn't ? We always come across people in our life who always say the right words at all the right times,but it is always their actions reveal the sincerity in the friendship

Friends may leave along the journey in life, temporarily or permanently.And, i am actually so blessed to have friends who care without hesitation, remember without limitation, and love me even without communication.There are friends who never get tired of listening to my pointless dramas over and over again, and still there to support me. I have done tons of stupid stuff and not so lovable stuff, but good friends love me still. I am so thankful to have good friends who accept my past, support my present,and encourage my future. I know they are my true friends when they stab me in the front . :) 

Just want to share a few photos of my good friends who have never abundant me in good and bad times,who are not embarrassed to cry with me when i am hurt or laugh with me.

 

 These girls completely turn my world around.They make me realized it is less important to have more friends but to have real ones.They listen to my adventures but make it with me, were there for me no matter what ,NO MATTER WHAT! my blessings, my angels, my supporters. We stay together, but never tired of talking to each other, we text each other even when we are at work. 

Love you girls wholeheartedly.Thanks for loving my daughter like your own.

 This man, hmm...known for years and never failed to put a smile on me when i was whining about life.Always so kind with kind words, and encouragements!  A man who makes me love myself more. 10years, not too long and not too short, but they were wonderful years knowing he will always there to listen and advise, and share. 

Thanks for listening to my non-sense,and respected my non-sense.

Last but no least, these two are wonderful people in my life. Azlina, a friend who flew from work to rescue me,cry with me, and laugh with me. A friend who is happier than me when things get better for me.Merredie, what more can i say about her.My daughter, who wiped my tears of sorrow and who asked me to laugh just enough and not too much. I want not only be her mother, but a friend who she can talks to always,about everything.

Thanks for helping me when i was wounded.I know whenever i look beside,you will be there. And, Merredie, thanks for coming into my life.You are the reason i am moving forward.

There are actually so many friends who have been there for me who i may not mentioned above.But, it doesn't mean they are less important, they are equally important for me to grow. I am just an ordinary person,who is not perfect.No one is.And, i always remind myself to focus on being the right person who knows how to care,understand and love. 

 “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” 

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
 



Tears

I am all wrung out from crying i guess. I haven't been crying for a while, even in the situations where i thought i would cry like a baby,but i did not. I have to be honest to my friends today. " Heya, i always say i drank a lot of water before sleeping, and that was the reason i looked puffy...hmm.. i was trying to cover up myself. You know why now. "

I rarely shared when there were things bothering me. I found crying was a great relief for me.I cried myself to sleep almost everynights for a year or two. Well, i laugh at myself now. At some point, i had to start laughing. Why would i tortured myself that way. What is the big deal being a single mother, i sailed through it , didn't i, and i am sailing pretty well still.

Talked to a good friend of mine yesterday about tears and laughters, i ended year 2012 with laughters, a lot a lot of it. And, i have stopped crying for every little things. The friend of mine told me it may be because i am more emotionally grounded rather than being harder and less open to emotion,after what i have been through. I smiled and told him what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

“Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.” - C.S.Lewis

This was a photo of me taken by someone in secret during Christmas.

 I didn't like it initially because my wrinkles are so obvious. After laughing at it and

 i starting to like it, i was happy, really happy. It didn't show any signs of sadness,

 my eyes, my nose and my teeth, my every muscles were laughing :)

God shows undeserved kindness to everyone...You will suffer for a while, but God will make you complete,steady, strong ,and firm. 1Peter 5:10

I don't like suffering, nobody does. I don't like problems, troubles, nobody likes. But I believe God will open our eyes to see things crystal clear after we experience it, just like He does.



11.40pm

i said goodnight,but couldn't get my eyes shut
i pretend to be alright, but i am not.
11.40pm, at the balcony,looking at the busy road at this hour,
are you alright on the other side?
Why are all the cars still busy on the road?
Where are they heading to?
Are you thinking of me on the other side?
Are you heading to the same direction as i am?
11.40pm, at the balcony,drinking wine by my own at this hour,
are you alright on the other side?
Why i don't see the moon you were talking about?
Where is the moon hiding?
Are you missing me on the other side?
Are you fooling me like i expected?
I have to build up the wall again to guard my heart,
build up the wall again to guard my heart from being intruded.